a court of nine

I recently found this whilst cleaning/sorting through my documents folder.
This piece of courtly literature is from over four years ago, with a group of friends on a random night in Spring.
I am thoroughly amused by the urgency, confusion, and absolute madness that was actually recorded (and taken extremely seriously) during a female sleepover. Note: all of the below did really happen, including the fungus.

Please take a few minutes of your time and enjoy this high school chaos.

re: lauren's court minutes:

Right hand, left…the truth and god…cheese and shitting, with lots of fungus. Court is in session. Thank you…prosecutor, lawyer cobos…grand jury, and me the typist! Sosa…is there something funny? Its serious? Whose house? Relationship? Charges….treason of friendship….girls IN, not out. Section 22. Jail time….10 years? Sosa, whose house> gabra? Relationship?BF. guy or friend? Friend. When u were invited. She asked me for a girl’s night IN. was it N9? Yes. Who is n9. friends except 2. Danielle is fired and daria is away. You are on the brink of being with Danielle. What did you do? What time did you arrive? 8:30-9. who brought yup? Ashley m. we got here, got tammy, got pizza, came upstairs, danced, smoked drank, chillin, I notice Maria is GONE…where did she go? Objection…she was inside. She was dealing with issues with BOYS. She has to answer the question. Chelsea talked to bf. I received texts from Joe. Then Melissa talks to her boy on phone. Jury no questions. Only 10 minutes for Chelsea…and Joe had planned to come over from the beginning. He stayed outside cuz it was late. Tammy escorted outside and then came back in 10 minutes later. That was the LIMIT! Not three hours! That’s longer than a movie. Gabra called to bring u in. blockbuster is not relevant. Nasty things are not good. No nastiness. You are a liar No I’m not. Closing arguments. Then another phone call in the middle of everything. Its been 365 days since ass. Well its been since surfs since a sleep over. Ringing phone. NO PHONES. Court trial in session. ORDER! No…you cannot answer. Instead of sleeping at MY grad party you went with your bf…you have had prior offenses. I remind the court that this is your second time where Lauren Sosa stayed on line talking to rob while we were in the other room, and JOE too while we were waiting. Then when you came back to watch pretty woman…we were asleep. Court will resume in 2 minutes…potty break for the criminal. One minute…GO! Back in session. Lets go…over you time! I need to change…no…no changing…those clothes are evidence. Court is back now! Melinda is up. The cheese bible! Tim out….mom is awake!

Ahh! 3 am! She is pissed says judge gabra! Lauren eats piss pizza. Shh! Raise hand swear for truth and god. Yes I do. Name? Melinda A M. relationship? N9 and friend. Relationship with Lauren. Used to be friend till she ruined night. True! Girl’s night? Prank phone calls talking Ghanem and girls…eating fungus with cheese, cigs and drinks. What about a boy for 3 hours? No…not a girl’s night in. BIG MISTAKE! The accused actions? HORRIBLE…needs to apologize and eat cheese fungus. Step down. Now Ashley mathus. Swear for truth and god. Phone rings again. Relationship? BF what did she want? Girl’s night for n9. haven’t had one in a long ass time. Lauren strips. When you got Sosa…did you think of treason? No. did she mention these plans? No. thank you…step down. Now judge gabra. No swearing. Group pf n9 close? Yes! Would u know the inside jokes? No! its not a game. Laughing Sosa…naughty! N9 best friends? Yes. We are one? Yes. What were words for Sosa? I feel like shit…mean bf…I need support of n9 for girls night in. did Sosa ask how you were? She kissed forehead? When Chelsea and I came in when you were crying did Sosa ask to leave? yes! Should a friend think about foreplay or should she be patient? No! we shake our heads! Did this hurt you? Yes. Thank you…step down. Melissa. Swear truth and god. Right…no left. Yes I swear. Thanks. Name? Melissa a m. nice name. fart. Phone rings AGAIN. More texts! Oh dear. Focus. What do you think of Sosa. Ill willed. I was sitting in the corner with my bf cuz he was upset. Everyone with their bfs stayed in the house and the longest was a half hour…no 3 hours outside! No physical contact with their mate! Except Sosa! You weren’t;/t here! Continue….I could still hear what was going on…she asks for Maria….Joes coming…I need to go outside…she was excited to SNEAK OUT! New point! Loudness gone for 3 hours! Savanna. Was she excited for n9 or Joe? Joe! Gabra has allergies…you wouldn’t know! Last…me…Chelsea. Is sworn in and says yup. Lee Richardson. Did not eat fungus remembers conversations girl bonding points out Lauren dramatically as the only one missing. Lauren thought we were sleeping, order in the court. Maria’s mom will kick our asses. Fungus could have killed us all. All Lauren cared for was easy fun Gaby says Richardson thought she used to be a very good friend till Maria needed us and someone left for 3 hours. Granted some had time for boys but she left for 3 hours didn’t call to check up completely forgot us and Maria’s poor troubles no no not a good friend. Phone keeps ringing,, Maria even got cursed off Maria we are here for u….Chelsea step down. Evidence of pants. Gaby gives to Melissa for judge to see. Evidence A,….Hollister jeans…size 5. wet residue. To the jury…do you see it? Yes! Omg….the judge wants to see do you see Chelsea? Yes. Its WET! Lauren asks to see the evidence. No…it is true! Unless it was pee…which I doubt. As you can smell…it smells like a man. Typist? Like a man!

Closing arguments. Lauren? I know I wasn’t the sweetest. My decision wasn’t thought out well, very selfish, but one thing to the next and time was lost and I told him I had to leave. We kissed. I’m sorry…forgive me! If you were here you would have known that you have no defense. Closing argument…she has committed the biggest act against us (after Danielle). Phone again. As I may bring,,,,sosa stated she lost track of time…for three hours?? I don’t think so. You must have noticed the diff between 3 hours and ten minutes….maybe h=an hour but not three. This was for gabra…and you picked you unholy needs before hers. Do we want this in an n9 member? Nay! Jurors go think of sentence. All stand. I would like to hear conclusion. What do you find her? Melinda? I find her guilty. Ashley? Guilty. Gaby? Guilty. One text to Joe, then no more phone for the night. Hit on bare booty with big mistake. You have to eat Tostitos in fungus cheese. Third. Sosa cannot chill with us…must sleep with tammy and dogs all night…no phone or comp….and if you don’t you are out of N9 and tammy will replace you! Gabra agrees with spanking and with cheese for bringing us together…and you are on probation for an hour with tammy….PROBATION. fine 20,….no….an hour with one text to explain what’s going on and that you cant talk to him for a while…actually ill write it for you and you can read it. When you come back you will realize friendship…then you can tell him goodnight its girls time! Court to a halt…do you accept your penalties? No…only some. Okay half an hour. Okay 20 minutes! Hour with phone….or 20 without. Half hour alone with phone when you get out…no phone the rest of the night. Fine…no more texting. Or 15 minutes alone…one text that’s it. It all includes cheese and spanking. Fine….15 mins in isolation with 2 texts…spanking…and cheese! Continue with spank! Ow…that stung! Now fungus cheese! Now the two texts.